February 28, 2015

Au Canada, and the Australian Army


Five (or three) minute sketch of some girl while we were waiting for the Greyhound. Five minute colouring done during the ride to Ottawa.

The amount of work I need to catch up on both horrifies and repels me, so naturally I will put it off for another half hour.

It's really amazing how over two centimetres of snow automatically delays buses by at least fifteen minutes, up to an hour and a half, in a city where it snows every year.


Something short and sweet today. Unfortunately, I cribbed the majority of it from Lewis Carroll, because I'm not well-versed in history of any kind.

The Australian Army

     The pebbly mass moved fluidly across the keyboard, like sentient, chunky molasses.

       "What... is that?" Riley asked.

       "Army ants," the old man said.

     Riley frowned. "Ew."

     A wall of text began appearing on the laptop screen.

       "Guillaume le Marron, whose clause was written on dried wood pulp, was soon surrendered to by the Heptarchy, who wanted horse chestnuts, and had been of late much accustomed to threading and striking. Edcar and Morwin, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him: and even Stigand, the patriotic arch-bonsai of Chestnutbury, found it advisable to go with Castan Aescin to meet Guillaume and offer him the string. Guillaume's chestnut at first was moderate, but the insolence of his Normans..."

     Riley thought this was a little confusing, but decided not to mention it for fear of hurting the ants' feelings, as well as avoiding certain, painful death.

     The old man chuckled. " 'Guillaume le Marron', tha's clever. For ants, tha' is." He pulled a package of chocolate-covered raisins from a pocket. "Want one?"

     Riley looked at the little black candy, then back at the ants. She felt slightly sick. "No, thank you."

     He shrugged and popped a couple into his mouth. "Come on then," he said, "th' koalas are over there."

The end.

The third of the Globetrotter Stories. First, second, and fourth installments.

February 21, 2015

2 Girls...


If you DID NOT automatically finish the title with "1 Cup", then I congratulate you. You must be ill-acquainted with the Internet, and you are beautiful and shiny and wonderful.

For those who don't know what 2 Girls 1 Cup is, don't Google it until I explain.

Anyway, this isn't going to be about that video. Instead, this is a re-imagining of the many things it could have been (it could have been less viral, that's for sure).

2 Girls 1 Mom
A single mother struggles to raise her daughters in central Wyoming after her husband dies from a perfectly treatable illness that they couldn't afford to treat. At the end of the movie, she too dies from the same perfectly treatable illness, and her daughters go into prostitution. No one cares.

2 Girls 1 Goal
A heartwarming love story set in Whalsay about two teammates on a tiny community football team. Here's the kicker: One of them is straight! How will they get past this AND win the next Shetland Football Cup? Watch and find out!

2 Girls 1 Weight
Two girls with "weight problems"—one morbidly obese at the age of 16, the other anorexic for 3 years running—go on a road trip across Canada... in December! This is a story about them, their friendship, and their journey.

2 Girls 1 Reese's Cup
Do they fight over it? Who wins? Do they split it? Or do they both ignore it because it's unhealthy and they don't want that crap in their bodies? Maybe they'll go to the convenience store and buy more, then watch the other movies on this list!

2 Girls 1 Daughter
Think this will be a fun lesbian porno? Well, you got the lesbian part right. This documents a couple's struggles with raising their daughter and facing a society built by years of misogyny and "traditional values". Rated 'R' for no discernible reason. There isn't even a sex scene.

2 Girls 1 Guy
A hilarious comedy about a slightly pudgy, scruffy-looking guy who's trying to juggle his two gorgeous girlfriends. Somehow, he succeeds, and even manages to wrangle a third girl into his harem. By the end of the movie, all the girls know about each other and are totally okay with it. There are hints of a foursome.

2 Plurals 1 Cup
"Cups," the three year old boy says happily.
"No, no," you say, "there's only one."
"One cup! One!"

2 Girls 1 Anti-Vaxxer
In California, a terribly misinformed parent doesn't vaccinate their daughter, who then becomes friends with an immunocompromised girl. The daughter's eyes are opened to the great disservice her parent did her, but not before her friend dies of a preventable illness.

2 Girls 1 Pup
A sequel to 2 Girls 1 Goal. After a week of dating-for-real, our heroines decide to move in together. Inevitably, their relationship falls apart until the ultimate question remains: Who gets the dog? Eventually, they realise that they really, truly love each other, and they end up back together, exactly where they were at the beginning of the movie, because it's quirky and ironic.

2 Squirrels 1 Nut
A couple of squirrels fight over an acorn.

February 15, 2015

Autumn in Greece


More more more from the Ottawa 2012 archives.

Super bogged down with work. I've decided to simply narrate Riley's adventures and encounters with totally normal things around the world for the next few weeks.

Here we go.

Autumn in Greece

     The old man pulled a large pair of bolt cutters out of his pockets.

       "Where did that come from?"

       "Me pockets, clearly," he said. He brushed some leaves aside, and snapped the lock off a large iron grate in the middle of the forest floor. "Git t' work then."

     Riley grunted as she struggled with it. She managed to lift a corner, and pulled it a couple centimetres towards her before she fell back on her tush.

       "Goddamn," she said, "Why did I ever agree to do this?"

       "Yer th' one 'oo wanted t' travel," the old man replied.

       "Not if I have to do physical labour! This is so not worth it!"

       The old man produced a packet of old-fashioned barbecue crisps and shoved them at Riley. "Ye'll need these la'er."

       "What are you talking about? Why do I need, uh... barbecue chips?"

       "Ye'll see."

       "Where did you even get those from? Your pockets are ridiculous..." Muttering to herself, Riley put the packet in her own pocket and continued trying to lift the grate.


     A couple hours later, the grate was finally halfway off. Riley stepped back, waiting. A pair of hands appeared, pulling a half man, half bull creature -- like the Minotaur, but reversed -- out of the ground.

     The man-bull peered around - scared, cautious, a little confused. He snuffled the air.

       "Hey," Riley said, "it's okay. I'm not going to hurt you."

     She frowned at the heavy cuffs around his wrists, and the clanking chain binding them. Brushing the thought aside, she waved the old-fashioned barbecue flavoured crisps around.

     The man-bull cocked his head. While he was distracted, the old man darted forward with the bolt cutters and snapped the manacle chain in half. Bewildered, the man-bull examined his freed hands, as if seeing them for the first time. 

     Suddenly, he perked up. The old man's shoes, as he trotted away from the man-bull as fast as possible, crunched cheerily through the fallen leaves.

       "It's musical, isn't it?" Riley said softly.

     She couldn't tell if the man-bull understood her or not, but his shoulders seemed to slump a little. A single tear rolled down his dirty cheek.

     The old man ran up to him again, and collected the tear in a tiny glass bottle.

       "Wha-" Riley spluttered, "what the hell are you doing?"

       "This could prove t' be valuable," the old man said, "and yer really no' payin' me 'nough."

     The man-bull snorted, shook his head like a horse. I'm okay, he seemed to say. Then, he turned and galloped away in a majestic cloud of red and gold leaves.

     Riley sighed. "I guess I was wrong. That was totally worth it."

The end.

Second of the Globetrotter Series. First, third, and fourth installments.

February 04, 2015

More Scenes from the Bedroom


Something a little different today. I'm trying to make a new header, but there isn't enough time in the world, so here are some short

Scenes from the Bedroom

She sat back in her bed, ready to begin her laboratory report. The budgeted time was five hours.

Twelve hours later, she was ready to begin the second half of the report. Sobbing silently to herself, she asked God why He had forsaken her.

Reaching into the deep, dark crevice behind her desk, she strained to pick up her pencil.

The pencil inched half a centimetre away from her fingers. It chuckled to itself, but her untrained ears couldn't hear it.

With a sigh of frustration, she slammed her head against her textbook with a satisfying 'THUMP'. For the first time in a week, she passed out for nine straight hours.

While she was unconscious, her cat (Apollo, remember?) ambled into the Bedroom. He picked up the pencil and began filling in the assignment page.

Interestingly enough, the first question has been asked on exams before and is, at the very least, doable, albeit with a huge margin of error and some incredible assumptions.

Unfortunately, Jesus was not an acceptable answer.